You wake up and get to work. Things aren’t working your way today. You reach and notice that there’s a truckload of work you have to do before the day ends and you get back cosy on your sofa watching Netflix.
Your boss and stakeholder have high expectations from your current project, but you’ve had enough. I’m just not good enough to make them happy, you think. At least during lunch, you can crib about this situation to your friends at work because they can relate.
You get home and wind down. You think about what would life be like if you didn’t get cheated on by your ex. What would life be like today if you listened to your parents’ advice on career? What does the future hold, when every day feels like a drag?
But dinner is ready and The Office is fun to watch. This is your story on most days. Weekdays, especially.
If you’ve read this far, you can relate to what I’m saying. You’re sick of feeling this way, but is there a way out? You can't fake positivity or happiness, but then how can you be in a better state?
Let me take you through 9 subconscious behaviours, most of which occur multiple times a day. These behaviours are traps to get in a negative state and attract more negativity.
Recognise, and release, baby.
1. Using certain words
I hate this food
I never want to come to this restaurant
She’s a terrible person
These can all be sentences in one conversation and are so harsh. My 9th-grade teacher always told us to remove the word hate. She told us that a word like this is too strong a negative emotion.
Remember when we were taught in school that plants get impacted by words? Ikea conducted an experiment to show the effects of bullying. In the end of 30 days, plants that received compliments were thriving and those which received negative comments were droopy.
Similarly, the words you use have the energy you give to yourself and those around you.To do: Try to replace the negative words you use. Even when you speak to somebody, the energy that they’ll give is better than harsh words.
2. You say self-deprecating statements
When I was an influencer on Instagram, even if I did something cool I would add a statement criticising myself to sound more humble and not show off.
For e.g. “this fatty could finally do 150 burpees, time to eat a burger now.”
Of course, I’d never eat a burger. But calling myself fat for no reason is criticising myself in my head.
Even when alone, I used to criticise the fat on my tummy or the texture of my hair.
This overall led to my decreased self-worth and confidence.
You are as awesome or sucky as you tell yourself you are. Choose wisely.
To do:Studies have shown that affirmations help increase self-worth. The one I use every day is I love and approve of myself, I am loving and lovable. Meditating and being aware of my thoughts have also helped me shut my negative inner voice.
3. You’re criticising others
It can be fun to judge another person’s outfit with your friends or bitch about the person you dislike.
But what good is this doing to you? Speaking about negative things will only attract more negativity.
To do: Next time you’re in a conversation with somebody about this, don’t participate. Nobody likes to gossip alone. If not stop, they will stop discussing with you.
4. Feeling jealous (and not even knowing it)
Do you ever catch yourself scrolling on Instagram and thinking I wish I had this too? It could be a vacation, an expensive bag or a happy family.
I used to spend 2 hours a day on Instagram. It’s only when I let go of social media did I realise that I was jealous without realising. Many times a day when I’d scroll on my feed, I’d envy those abs or travel pictures and feel a lack in my own life.
Social media is proven to leave people feeling worse. Every time you exit the app, you’re only feeling worse than before.
Letting go of the constant scrolling has freed up space in my head and increased concentration. But most importantly, it’s moved me towards a success mindset instead of making me feel like I’m not enough. I wouldn’t have been able to achieve my current level of confidence and passion if I didn’t let go of the toxicity released by social media.
To do: Delete the app (I even deleted an account with 11,000 followers), or monitor your screen time.
“Who you are, what you think, feel, and do, what you love — is the sum of what you focus on.” — Cal Newport
5. Being angry in a spur of the moment
I know anger is a common emotion, and you’re no saint to get rid of it.
Anger is also like poison. The only person who suffers is you!
Research shows that anger is an emotion that can come with a lot of weight and impact your mental and physical health. While well-managed anger is okay, being angry too much or too often can lead to health issues like headaches, anxiety, depression, insomnia, hypertension, and even heart attack.
I have been consciously working towards decreasing my anger by recognising my source and telling myself that being angry will be of no use to better the situation.
To do: 10 deep breaths the moment you feel angry will help you feel better and not take impulsive actions towards yourself or others.
6. Dwelling in the past/future
Repeat after me: I can’t change what’s happened, I can’t control what will happen. I can only control my reaction.
A really important thing meditation has taught me is that:
Our thoughts are just thoughts. We must let them come and go, like passing clouds. When we recognise thoughts as just thoughts, they will pass. When we don’t recognise them, we will dwell deeping into them and will experience negative feelings.
To do: When you’re thinking about your ex who cheated on you, accept that thought, and think that this is your mind playing games with you. It threw a thought at you, you saw it, but will not catch it.
With practice, it will get easier.
7. Wanting to take revenge
January 2021 was a low month in the longest time. I made a new friend who drained a lot of my energy and threw their negativity on me. A week ago, an investor I connected him with called me for some feedback as he was considering to invest in my friend’s business.
I wanted to give negative feedback. This person hurt me so bad, why should they get an investment from somebody I helped them with?
My mother told me,
If you can do good to somebody and it’s not negatively impacting you, do it anyway. Some day down the lane somebody else will do it for you. Don’t intentionally screw up somebody.
Revengeful thoughts are common, especially in relationships. They expose our vindictive side, a side sometimes we also don’t know.
To do: Listen to my mother’s advice. Karma is a thing.
8. You are breathing wrong
We have forgotten how to breathe. Our breath has become shallow, we are breathing from our mouth instead of our nose and chest instead of our diaphragm.
You’re living, you live because of oxygen. Your body parts thrive because of oxygen. Yet you’re not oxygenating them enough!
Studies show that deep breathing and breathing right can help improve your mental and physical wellbeing. This simple act can help prevent lots of diseases because you’ll be nourishing your organs instead of rushing them.
To do: Couple of times a day, consciously take slow deep breaths. Inhale and exhale should both be slow, and feel your diaphragm expand when you breathe.
9. Your lack of awareness inside is the true devil
We are so highly stimulated (no pun intended).
We can’t stand in line, wait in a cafe for a friend or use public transport without scrolling on our phone.
We are aroused by notifications.
We are getting into the 6-inch black mirror of our screens and are forgetting what it's like to be human. Humans have 6 senses, but we’re losing touch with each one of them because we’re unaware — inside and outside.
Our increased screen time is proven to impact our mental health by making us prone to anxiety or depression, and physical health by making us move less. Additionally, it also impacts a person’s awareness and ability to concentrate.
Being aware and mindful will help you with everything mentioned above, and more.
“We need solitude to thrive as human beings, and in recent years, without even realizing it, we’ve been systematically reducing this crucial ingredient from our lives. Simply put, humans are not wired to be constantly wired.” — cCal Newport
To do: Meditate.For at least a few breaths a day, do nothing except observing your breath. Let thoughts come and go, and get your focus back to the breath. Don’t fight your thoughts, let them pass like clouds. I also use the Headspace app which helps me.
Summary
These are 9 subconscious behaviours that are attracting negativity in your life:
Using certain words
Saying self-depreciative statements
Criticising others
Feeling jealous
Being angry
Dwelling in the past/future
Wanting to take revenge
You’re not breathing how you’re supposed to
You’re not looking inwards
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